Sadness

Tonight I am sad. REALLY sad. The kind of sad that makes your heart and gut feel like it's physically twisting inside. Yesterday I found out a friend is sick. Really sick. Devastatingly so... as my husband so eloquently put it.... I wish in my heart of hearts that we didn't have a reason to be sad. The emotions get so mixed up.

As nurses we learn about stages of grief, and we learn how you really can grieve over anything, and the stages of grief still come. Tonight I see those stages of grief, and I hurt. I feel like these thoughts are jumbled and not flowing very well into my print, but take them as you get them because I'm still putting them out here.

Its hard to know how to tell this story. This wonderfully amazing person that I met through friends, who eventually became my friend too. She is out there fighting a fight like no other she has seen in her young life.... and here I am sad. Sad for her, sad that she has to fight and sad that we have to see her fight. And how to even describe what a strong, amazing, resilient, and full of life human being she is.... there seem to not be enough of the right words. All of that and I am not even half as close to her as those people sitting there, by her bedside, fighting with her. I cannot even imagine the sad that they must feel... and I know they do, physically feel that sadness and hurt.... through all different stages. I tend to be an objective person, for me it's easier sometimes to keep things at an arms length. Good bad or indifferent, that's just me. But this; so much harder.

As a medical professional, I tend to look at most things very factually ... lab values, test results, reponse to treatment, but this. This is different. When it touches you so close, and those values and responses and treatments are attached to an amazing spirit that you KNOW! Don't get me wrong, as mechanical as that sounds, I'm a nurse for a reason. I care about people, and what happens to them and all the other aspects of their life or their illness... it's not just a picture of facts.... and there is nothing like a situation such as this to remind us and put in perspective what we ask people to do everyday. This is hard. This is sad. This is all encompasing.

Situations like this aren't supposed to touch us, they are supposed to be out there for us to help our patients and their families encounter and move through... we are not supposed to be the family and friends.

It reminds me of another time I didn't want to be the family or friend of another very young life hanging in the unknown.

And as trite as it may be. Love the ones around you, squeeze them tight, and never let them wonder how much they mean to you. All the positive energy I can muster is headed on the night breeze to you my dear friend.

Beauty

Whew... it's been a while since I've written anything, which isn't to say that I haven't wanted to or thought about it, or even composed in my head... just never got it out.

Self-Image. Sexy. Beauty. Somehow they are all related, but recently I've been putting a lot of thought into beauty. What is it that makes women beautiful? How is it that women see themselves and beautiful... or not for that matter. Kind of an interesting topic for me to ponder... I don't generally get caught up in things like that. The innate beauty of women and all that. But, as with everything, a recent experience kind of propelled me down this thought process.

I recently attended a friend's wedding. Per the usual female ritual, I proceeded to get all gussied up. Dress, makeup, hair, heels... the whole 9 yards. But, nothing really new and exciting. Nothing exceptional about the whole getup I chose. Ordinary, going out clothes, hair and makeup. Something interesting happened to me that night... SOOOOOO many people complimented me on how nice I looked, how BEAUTIFUL I was. Seriously, it was not like the cordial, almost required compliments that you give when you see someone all dressed up for a special occaion. It was genuine, almost surprise in people's voices. Now I'm sure some women out there would end up in this place ... "really do I look that bad all the time?" But I get it. I'm a mom of 3, I work in scrubs at night, with my rats nest of curls piled high on my head, and rarely leave my house in the day time, and if I do its probably in yoga pants. So, for me it just started this whirlwind of thought... how is this day and going out appearance different than others? I have seen all of these people outside of work before, and I have even gone out with most of them socially before... meaning dress, shoes, hair and makeup. And I have most definitely recevied compliments from these people on those occasions as well... but this was just different. I even had 2 strangers (friends of friends, but strangers to me) compliment my on my appearance. Is it because my hair is straight? Maybe I did an exceptional job on my makeup today, the color of my dress compliments me well? I still don't know. But it was nice and made me feel good.

So I still ponder what about that night? I believe, and probably have always believed, that a large part of beauty is your confidence, the way you carry yourself, your attitude. I'm sure that the more compliments I received the better I felt and the more of that inner beauty I displayed, making it that much easier for others to see I was beautiful that night. So then the inspiration hit me. I started looking and thinking about this concept of beauty. Not sexy. Beautiful. I feel like any woman out there can put on a push up bra, a low cut shirt and heels and feel sexy. But beauiful? Thats a another story. How and why do we feel beautiful. Some women are traditionally beautiful. Unbelievably so. We all know them. They can't help but know. But I started thinking that all women have beauty. There are things about women that are beautiful. Even for those women who aren't "beautiful" per se. Without going into a long explanation and story telling time (I feel like this blog is getting long enough all ready) for me, it's shoes. I love shoes, specifially heels, and I love to see myself in heels... more specifically just my legs from the knee down. That is my beauty. It doesn't matter what I feel like, what I'm wearing, how I'm feeling about myself or my outfit etc... seeing my feet in heels is beauty. So what do other women see and or do to portray their own beauty? Wearing earrings always makes me think I look more polished and put together. Goodness knows, fashion and beauty industry grosses ridculous amounts of money, so I feel like every women out there, has their one thing of beauty. Shoes, makeup, long hair, manicures, pedicures, skirts, dresses, jewlery, earrings, glasses... the list goes on.

I feel like there is a project for me here. We will see how the inspiration holds, or dwindles.

It must have definitely been the amazing shoes I wore Friday night.

Oops... forgot one. More cut and paste

So after writing my first "note" I've really just been itching to keep writing... and at first I was trying to hold off, and space them out and then I wondered why... since I write them for me anyway and I have the urge to write... I'm going to write.


I've really been intrigued by my previous blog posts, and I've read through them again a few times, and for whatever reason the words speak to me.  I guess in a toned down sort of way I feel like I'm on a similar journey sometimes.  Not the turmoil and lost feeling I had before, but more of a new reinvention of myself.  My life has been pretty consistent for the past five years, so on the outset it appears to have nothing in common with the constant changes in my life of the past.  But... that's not entirely true.  These days I'm comfortable in my marriage; I'm the mom to all the kids I will ever have (presumably) and I'm settled into a job that I love.  Somehow all of these NON changes have ignited a little fire in my to further define who I am... as a mom, a wife, a nurse... and ultimately as me.  Although, I've never really felt like I lost myself again, I have felt as though all the positive changes that occurred had a similar effect on the view I had of myself... it lost definition and the edges became blurred to me.  Why now?  I don't know, but seems now I'm ready to redfine how "I" fit into all of my roles.

So what little passages were speaking to me?  well, here's a little sampling of a few... and even though they emerged from a darker place in my life, and from several different places for that matter, they still have meaning and depth and insight that I think is leading me down a path of further definition of myself.



Here's to living life one day at time, doing your best to make the best out of it, and even if you really don't know what you WANT, at least be clear on what you don't want and all the rest will fall into place.

The people that are all around who like me, and most importantly love me just because I am me.  They help me pull that lost, yet true, identity back to the surface.


I have come to realize that "home" is where your soul is at peace.  Although there will always be inner turmoil, environmental stress and truly bad days, there is something to be said about being at ease with yourself and the unwavering support of your "family" when you find your niche in the world.


My prayer today is that everyone I care about finds their "home" and that I don't lose faith that I have truly found mine and all the implications that come with it.


Realizing that I am truly an extroverted person I know now that much of my current happiness can be attributed to the fact that I have afforded myself so many more opportunities to recharge my energy since changing my environment.  Its hard to be happy when your listless with no energy and for the extroverts of the world... its truly hard to have energy when you never leave your house and your person to person interactions are limited.  Spending time outside of my house, outside of myself and interacting with so many interesting people has boosted my energy so that I now have the energy to be an interactive mom, and to (in a nutshell) spend so much less time on the computer, watching TV, being beige.... 

Cut and Paste...

Hmm... so what exactly is this "note" part of Facebook...is this like my personal blog space that I just realized I missed from my old MySpace days? I just recently logged back into my MySpace account... looked at some old pictures, some old friends, and they there they were... my old blogs. So I decided that I should read through them. I discovered that I forgot I'm really a pretty good writer. Not to toot my own horn, but I am :) I also discovered that some of those really good blog posts (at least in my opinion) were born out of some very dramatic and turmoil filled days in my life. I was brought down memory lane on some very sore subjects, but was also able to realize how cathartic that writing was for me. It's always interesting to see how many views I had on my posts, sometimes upward of 75+... which is kind of weird to me. Why on earth would 75 people want to read my ramblings about introspection and wondering... but I guess that's for them to determine. I wrote those blogs mostly for me... for a place to cryptically vent my inner turmoil and pain mostly, but also my curiosities, introspections and just random general observations of the world. My husband is always telling me to do something for me.... maybe this is the something for me I've been looking for... granted sitting in front of a computer screen away from my family might not be the best choice, but I think I'll give it a try, I'll try to find a happy medium in carving out a few minutes of time for me, without neglecting them. Like I said before, it seems a little bit like a personal journal to me, and I HATE journaling. I've never really done it, except when it was trendy when I was preteen/early teen but never for more than a few months at a time... something about a potential audience or telling my stories and thoughts to an actual person makes it more appealing... even if that audience isn't real :) So here, I go, trying something new... or old as the case may be. And I think its not just the writing and composing that I enjoy, but the typing as well... somehow it's soothing... maybe it takes me back to my early college days... yup total computer nerd girl here, loved to irc chat with lots of my friends... and I'm pretty sure that's where I learned to type so fast. Plus I just like to go back and read my own writing... lame I know.. and maybe a little on the obnoxious side, but hey we do what works for us right?
When I was reading some of my old blogs, I came across a few that were very moving to me, even now. They brought me back to a place where I remember every detail of how I was feeling, but they also brought a lot of perspective to my life now. There were also some good lessons in there, that retrospectively make so much sense, especially when you know the context of what was happening in my life at those times.... there are lots of people I know, going through lots of stuff right now that I want to share those words with! So, I think I will cut and paste some of those excerpts, and I hopefully the people in my imaginary audience will find them and realize they are for them.... naw, I'll be more proactive than that... I'lll make sure they see them.
Well here's to a new adventure and time filler for me, in a world all ready full of too little time... but we'll see how it goes!

Here we go...

So after the ponderings I had and the posting of my "notes" on Facebook, I really started to do a little more thinking about this whole blogging bit.  In my crazy life of mom, wife, nurse, sister, friend etc... that thinking took much longer than I anticipated...nothing happens quickly or easily these days.  It's been nearly a month since I wrote my last note.  Mostly I wondered if I should keep on posting just my notes on Facebook, or if I should find a more suitable "blogging" space.  I guess it's taken me until now to decide I don't like the lay out of doing it in Facebook.  So here I am, with my new blog space.  We'll see how it goes, I have a million thoughts and ideas that run through my head everyday and I wonder if I can make them into some kind of prose worth reading... but with all my curiosities, I just keep coming back to the idea that really the words are for me... and if people want to read them, I'm happy to have them follow along... so the bottom line becomes... write.  Whatever I want.  Whenever I want.  Because ultimately the time is for me, the words are for me and what I get out of it is the most important thing.

Once again I'm going to cut and paste from the old space to make posts here in the new space.  But that's for me too.  I want some of those words to be accessible to me... so they have to follow me as I jump around.  Again I say, we'll just see how it goes... how much time I will really allow and/or force myself to take on this new adventure of mine... and can I really manage to sort through and stop that whirlwhind of a thought process that is my brain everyday to somehow manage to get them down on paper... or in this case a screen :)

One thing I do remember... I love ellipses :) .........