Tonight I am sad. REALLY sad. The kind of sad that makes your heart and gut feel like it's physically twisting inside. Yesterday I found out a friend is sick. Really sick. Devastatingly so... as my husband so eloquently put it.... I wish in my heart of hearts that we didn't have a reason to be sad. The emotions get so mixed up.
As nurses we learn about stages of grief, and we learn how you really can grieve over anything, and the stages of grief still come. Tonight I see those stages of grief, and I hurt. I feel like these thoughts are jumbled and not flowing very well into my print, but take them as you get them because I'm still putting them out here.
Its hard to know how to tell this story. This wonderfully amazing person that I met through friends, who eventually became my friend too. She is out there fighting a fight like no other she has seen in her young life.... and here I am sad. Sad for her, sad that she has to fight and sad that we have to see her fight. And how to even describe what a strong, amazing, resilient, and full of life human being she is.... there seem to not be enough of the right words. All of that and I am not even half as close to her as those people sitting there, by her bedside, fighting with her. I cannot even imagine the sad that they must feel... and I know they do, physically feel that sadness and hurt.... through all different stages. I tend to be an objective person, for me it's easier sometimes to keep things at an arms length. Good bad or indifferent, that's just me. But this; so much harder.
As a medical professional, I tend to look at most things very factually ... lab values, test results, reponse to treatment, but this. This is different. When it touches you so close, and those values and responses and treatments are attached to an amazing spirit that you KNOW! Don't get me wrong, as mechanical as that sounds, I'm a nurse for a reason. I care about people, and what happens to them and all the other aspects of their life or their illness... it's not just a picture of facts.... and there is nothing like a situation such as this to remind us and put in perspective what we ask people to do everyday. This is hard. This is sad. This is all encompasing.
Situations like this aren't supposed to touch us, they are supposed to be out there for us to help our patients and their families encounter and move through... we are not supposed to be the family and friends.
It reminds me of another time I didn't want to be the family or friend of another very young life hanging in the unknown.
And as trite as it may be. Love the ones around you, squeeze them tight, and never let them wonder how much they mean to you. All the positive energy I can muster is headed on the night breeze to you my dear friend.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Beauty
Whew... it's been a while since I've written anything, which isn't to say that I haven't wanted to or thought about it, or even composed in my head... just never got it out.
Self-Image. Sexy. Beauty. Somehow they are all related, but recently I've been putting a lot of thought into beauty. What is it that makes women beautiful? How is it that women see themselves and beautiful... or not for that matter. Kind of an interesting topic for me to ponder... I don't generally get caught up in things like that. The innate beauty of women and all that. But, as with everything, a recent experience kind of propelled me down this thought process.
I recently attended a friend's wedding. Per the usual female ritual, I proceeded to get all gussied up. Dress, makeup, hair, heels... the whole 9 yards. But, nothing really new and exciting. Nothing exceptional about the whole getup I chose. Ordinary, going out clothes, hair and makeup. Something interesting happened to me that night... SOOOOOO many people complimented me on how nice I looked, how BEAUTIFUL I was. Seriously, it was not like the cordial, almost required compliments that you give when you see someone all dressed up for a special occaion. It was genuine, almost surprise in people's voices. Now I'm sure some women out there would end up in this place ... "really do I look that bad all the time?" But I get it. I'm a mom of 3, I work in scrubs at night, with my rats nest of curls piled high on my head, and rarely leave my house in the day time, and if I do its probably in yoga pants. So, for me it just started this whirlwind of thought... how is this day and going out appearance different than others? I have seen all of these people outside of work before, and I have even gone out with most of them socially before... meaning dress, shoes, hair and makeup. And I have most definitely recevied compliments from these people on those occasions as well... but this was just different. I even had 2 strangers (friends of friends, but strangers to me) compliment my on my appearance. Is it because my hair is straight? Maybe I did an exceptional job on my makeup today, the color of my dress compliments me well? I still don't know. But it was nice and made me feel good.
So I still ponder what about that night? I believe, and probably have always believed, that a large part of beauty is your confidence, the way you carry yourself, your attitude. I'm sure that the more compliments I received the better I felt and the more of that inner beauty I displayed, making it that much easier for others to see I was beautiful that night. So then the inspiration hit me. I started looking and thinking about this concept of beauty. Not sexy. Beautiful. I feel like any woman out there can put on a push up bra, a low cut shirt and heels and feel sexy. But beauiful? Thats a another story. How and why do we feel beautiful. Some women are traditionally beautiful. Unbelievably so. We all know them. They can't help but know. But I started thinking that all women have beauty. There are things about women that are beautiful. Even for those women who aren't "beautiful" per se. Without going into a long explanation and story telling time (I feel like this blog is getting long enough all ready) for me, it's shoes. I love shoes, specifially heels, and I love to see myself in heels... more specifically just my legs from the knee down. That is my beauty. It doesn't matter what I feel like, what I'm wearing, how I'm feeling about myself or my outfit etc... seeing my feet in heels is beauty. So what do other women see and or do to portray their own beauty? Wearing earrings always makes me think I look more polished and put together. Goodness knows, fashion and beauty industry grosses ridculous amounts of money, so I feel like every women out there, has their one thing of beauty. Shoes, makeup, long hair, manicures, pedicures, skirts, dresses, jewlery, earrings, glasses... the list goes on.
I feel like there is a project for me here. We will see how the inspiration holds, or dwindles.
It must have definitely been the amazing shoes I wore Friday night.
Self-Image. Sexy. Beauty. Somehow they are all related, but recently I've been putting a lot of thought into beauty. What is it that makes women beautiful? How is it that women see themselves and beautiful... or not for that matter. Kind of an interesting topic for me to ponder... I don't generally get caught up in things like that. The innate beauty of women and all that. But, as with everything, a recent experience kind of propelled me down this thought process.
I recently attended a friend's wedding. Per the usual female ritual, I proceeded to get all gussied up. Dress, makeup, hair, heels... the whole 9 yards. But, nothing really new and exciting. Nothing exceptional about the whole getup I chose. Ordinary, going out clothes, hair and makeup. Something interesting happened to me that night... SOOOOOO many people complimented me on how nice I looked, how BEAUTIFUL I was. Seriously, it was not like the cordial, almost required compliments that you give when you see someone all dressed up for a special occaion. It was genuine, almost surprise in people's voices. Now I'm sure some women out there would end up in this place ... "really do I look that bad all the time?" But I get it. I'm a mom of 3, I work in scrubs at night, with my rats nest of curls piled high on my head, and rarely leave my house in the day time, and if I do its probably in yoga pants. So, for me it just started this whirlwind of thought... how is this day and going out appearance different than others? I have seen all of these people outside of work before, and I have even gone out with most of them socially before... meaning dress, shoes, hair and makeup. And I have most definitely recevied compliments from these people on those occasions as well... but this was just different. I even had 2 strangers (friends of friends, but strangers to me) compliment my on my appearance. Is it because my hair is straight? Maybe I did an exceptional job on my makeup today, the color of my dress compliments me well? I still don't know. But it was nice and made me feel good.
So I still ponder what about that night? I believe, and probably have always believed, that a large part of beauty is your confidence, the way you carry yourself, your attitude. I'm sure that the more compliments I received the better I felt and the more of that inner beauty I displayed, making it that much easier for others to see I was beautiful that night. So then the inspiration hit me. I started looking and thinking about this concept of beauty. Not sexy. Beautiful. I feel like any woman out there can put on a push up bra, a low cut shirt and heels and feel sexy. But beauiful? Thats a another story. How and why do we feel beautiful. Some women are traditionally beautiful. Unbelievably so. We all know them. They can't help but know. But I started thinking that all women have beauty. There are things about women that are beautiful. Even for those women who aren't "beautiful" per se. Without going into a long explanation and story telling time (I feel like this blog is getting long enough all ready) for me, it's shoes. I love shoes, specifially heels, and I love to see myself in heels... more specifically just my legs from the knee down. That is my beauty. It doesn't matter what I feel like, what I'm wearing, how I'm feeling about myself or my outfit etc... seeing my feet in heels is beauty. So what do other women see and or do to portray their own beauty? Wearing earrings always makes me think I look more polished and put together. Goodness knows, fashion and beauty industry grosses ridculous amounts of money, so I feel like every women out there, has their one thing of beauty. Shoes, makeup, long hair, manicures, pedicures, skirts, dresses, jewlery, earrings, glasses... the list goes on.
I feel like there is a project for me here. We will see how the inspiration holds, or dwindles.
It must have definitely been the amazing shoes I wore Friday night.
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